Chuck Norris announced today a plan to solve the financial crisis.
To strengthen the balance sheets of the major financial insitutions that have been wrecked by bad loans, a new class of assets will be created out of derivatives of Chuck's body.
These will be called WCD's: Weapons of Chuck's Destruction.
Banks will be allocated shares of these WCD's based on their performance in Chuck's "Stress Test." In Time's Square, one by one the stock price of each bank wanting Chuck's assistance will be put on the big screen.
Chuck and the stock price will stare each other down for 1 hour beginning at high noon. If the price of the stock goes up, the bank will be allocated shares of the WCD's based on its percentage gain during the stress test. If the price goes down, the bank will be allowed to fail. Chuck will also kick the ass of every "C" level in the companies that fail.
In return for allowing derivatives of his body to shore up the financial system, Chuck requires from the US Federal Government one change to the currency:
All faces of the bills of US currency will be replaced by the image of the face of Chuck. All backs of bills will have Chuck's fists.
This is because Chuck wants to let the banks know the following: 1.) he will be watching them and 2.) what they can expect from Chuck if they ever fuck us again.
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